My First Blog

Hi,

I have been thinking of creating a blog for about a week now and have finally actually done it. My blogs will be about me and my way of thinking. As best as I can describe it anyways. I don't aim to encourage anyone to do as I do, but I will support anyone that is like me. Yes I have a lot of issues which you will come to learn about. I have mental illness. I have drama's in my life. I can be unstable. Crazy. Out of control. I do things that even I don't know why I do it. I'm bizarre. Some of my good friends describe me as being unpredictable. Sometimes this isn't always a good thing.
For the last couple of hours I have been studying a pro ana blog. I have had anorexia before. Never got to the stage where I was hospitalised but I came very close. I have been put on medication for my crazy mind. 1000gm Epilim and Endep 10mg. It has caused me to put on 20kgs.I was ALWAYS one of the skinny ones. All my life. Until now. Now I am 80kg. I am being treated for long standing, deep depression, borderline personality disorder and bipolar. But now the weight gain has made me even more depressed. I have to do something about it. So I think I am going to go back to ana again. It has been a number of years since I last had ana as a friend. I am actually worried I won't be strong enough to stick to it. I am currently doing weight watchers, and have been going for about 8 weeks now and am at a loss of .9. 900 grams. That's all. I just can't do it properly. One week I lose 2kg, the next week I put it back on. It's pathetic really. So now I need to take action. Drastic action. I am going to start limiting for food intake at first. I guess there is no use rushing head first into it, otherwise I will only be setting myself up for failure. I am not going to tell my boyfriend, friends or family about my choice. Therefor I will remain anonymous for now with these blogs. Though I guess it wouldn't be hard for the people that really know me to figure out who I am. Perhaps I am crazy adding another mental disorder to my list. But I feel I need to. Otherwise I can feel myself slipping back into the darkness of the depression. Futher and further until soon I will be unreachable.
I am going to use this blog to chart my details, no its not going to be just a pro ana blog. It's a blog about me. My life. My mind. The way I think. The way I am. The choices I make. I will try to explain them as best as I can. So far its 1:54pm on a sunday arvo and I haven't ate a thing. Off to a good start I say. One of my best friends has made me some soups. She isn't aware of the decision I have made to befriend ana again, but she sure has made it a little easier for me. Meals are going to be soup to begin with. Slowly reducing my food intake day by day. I will try to keep it unnoticed for as long as I can. I am planning on using water and liquids to keep myself full as well as green tea to speed up my metabolism. I want to get down to 55kgs. At least. Maybe less. Seems so far away at the moment. I just hope I can remain strong enough to get there. Wish me luck. I need it.