depressed

I have been slack this weekend in keeping this blog up to date. Hmm now to re-cap the weekend. Friday I had a psych appointment. Went alright, talked about my meltdown about the soup when BF decided to try using different potatoes and ruined my favourite soup. He ended up making me laugh which was kinda nice. Talked about how I have to try and stay calmer and not over react.
Also went and got a blood test and took a stool sample to pathology to try and determine what is causing my gut problems. Should hopefully get the results tomorrow or wednesday. Hopefully it will shed some light onto whats going on. Friday night, stayed home and played video games.
Saturday I got up and went to dog obedience. Always enjoy that. Had another meltdown because I had a 21st to go to Saturday night and realised I didn't have any clothes to wear. They have either got to small cuz I have put on too much weight or they just weren't what I deemed to be appropriate. Went down the street and bought a whole new outfit, including boots. i really need to up date my wardrobe.
Sunday I had a doggie day with my dog obedience group, we went to a dog resort, where the dogs spent a lovely day swimming and playing. They had a ball and I did too. Always love spending time with my animals. Was exhausted by the end of the day.
The not eating as much things is going ok, still ate more then I would have liked on the weekend. Didn't eat anything at the 21st, but did drink a lot of bourbon. Today I didn't have any breakfast, only had a cup of soup for lunch, but drank a bit of coffee during the day. Tea was fish and veggies so fairly healthy.
I have been feeling so depressed these past few days. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning and really struggled to go to work. Cried a bit in the shower and had really bad anxiety. Just didn't want to be there. Nearly cried again on the drive there and even at work. Hate that place. Felt so depressed and suicidal. Was tempted to overdose on prescription drugs. Feel like I can't cope at the moment and I feel like my friends don't even give a shit. One of my close male friend appears to be ignoring me and one of my close workmates seems distant too. I guess they are sick of hearing my shit. :( Makes me feel so alone.
Perhaps I am better off dead.

Falling

Well I am still home, unwell from work. I probably could have went today, but mentally I was unable to. I just couldn't do it. Couldn't face work. I am slipping back into the darkness. The black dog is back. And I feel so ashamed. I feel like I am never going to win this battle. That I am going to be unwell and fucked up forever. I just feel I can't handle life at the moment. And I keep thinking about hurting myself. Thinking, is there enough pills in the house for me to OD on. Should I just slit my wrists? Watch the blood trickle and spurt out of my veins!? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow night, but sometimes I feel like I can't always be honest with him. I feel like he will judge me. I guess he IS judging me. Judging how unwell or stable I may or may not be. Stupid as it sounds.
On a more positive note, my eating very little paid off at weight watchers last night. I lost 1.6kgs! Made me want to try harder now. Has motivated me! I know I need to eat just enough to keep my metabolism going though. If it slows down too much, then it will be harder for me to lose weight.
Also on a positive note, my dad just text me to say my i phone has arrived! It didn't come yesterday like they said, but that's all forgotten now that it has been delivered. So that will probably distract me, mucking around and learning how to use it. I hope I like it. It was such a compulsive, spur of the minute buy, based on my dream.
I went out for tea last night with some of my gf's I havent caught up with in a while and it was really weird, i felt shy and anxious at first. As if it was people I was meeting for the first time. I don't understand why I am feeling so anxious all the time. It's not a good thing though. I sent a text message to one of my good friends this morning trying to explain how I am feeling, and he said I should try to pretend to be happy because sometimes that can trick the brain into thinking that you really are happy. I doubt that would work in my case though. I don't think mental illness is that easy. I wish it was. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix myself, as well as all the unhappy people in the world.
I hate how people don't understand mental illness. It's amazing how many people just don't get it and how ignorant they really are. And they don't realise that some of the thing's they say really hurt. Even a girl at work, whom doesn't know I am bipolar, made a comment about the heater being bipolar because it kept going from hot to cold. That made me feel a little bit smaller. A bit more deflated.
I just feel tired. Fed up. Sick. Unmotivated. Over it.

Home sick

Called in sick to work today. Just felt so shit when I woke up. Felt like I hadn't slept a wink and throat was so sore and could barely talk. Used up my last sick day now and probably going to get my arse kicked as they are so pedantic about people taking sick days. Fuck em though. If I'm sick I'm sick. Still have a major headache too, but thankfully the stomach pains seem to be gone. Just stayed in bed all day so far, don't have the motivation to do anything. Slept a fair bit too. My 2 dogs have kept me company the whole time, curled up beside me. They are so sweet.
Went and saw my bf's, fathers new dog last night. It's a Japanese spitz. Very cute. Reminds me of one of my dogs, when he was a puppy, though mine is a completely different breed. I could have stayed for hours just petting and playing with her. Puppies are just gorgeous.
Can't wait to get my new i phone tomorrow. Hope someone is home to sign for it. Getting it delivered to my parents house. Thinkin now, that perhaps I should have got it sent to work instead.
Good thing about being sick, is I don't feel like eating. So so far I have had no food for today. Will more then likely have to eat something at tea, so I think I will just have 2 pieces of toast. Should keep bf happy. I have weigh in at weight watchers tomorrow, think it will be another gain though. I am hoping I will be surprised though if I eat very little tomorrow as well. Wonder how long it takes to actually start losing weight when you reduce your food intake?
Forgot to take my valpro this morning, well I slept past the time I am meant to take it. Never mind. Will just have to make sure I take tonights dose. Might be why I am still feeling a bit flat and lifeless though. Been thinking of suicide a bit lately and about cutting myself. Not really sure why these thoughts keep popping into my head. Guess its the whole depression thing, plus the fact the weather is getting colder and yuk now.
Think I might have another sleep now or something.

Feeling yuk

I really hate mondays. They are the shittiest day of the week. Work is really shit on a monday, its so busy. I work in a call centre, and the calls all seem to be shit too. No breaks between calls, it sucks. I really felt like calling in sick today, but dragged myself in. Had stomach pains and a bad headache for most the day and generally just felt like shit. Not sure what is going on with my stomach, having tests done on friday. I seem to get a lot of stomach pains.
On a positive note, I ordered myself a new phone. An iphone! Should get it on Wednesday. Can't wait! Had a dream last night that I wanted one and that my friend got one and I was really jealous, so decided what the hell and actually did buy one. Well its on a cap. Had finished my contract for my previous phone. Ordered it on my lunch break, over the phone and it took forever. Think I had an inexperienced customer service rep or something, he kept putting me on hold without telling me and all sorts of things. Think we got there in the end though.
The cutting back on my food has gone ok so far I guess. Didn't have breakfast or lunch yesterday and tea was a bowl of soup and 1 piece of garlic bread. Today I had a small bowl of All Bran for breakfast, Soup for lunch and normal tea. So wasn't real good. But bit by bit I am hoping to make it less and less. Didn't drink very much fluid today, had a coffee in the morning, a quarter a bottle of water and half a cup of tea. Just didn't feel thirsty and my pain in the gut didn't help things. Hopefully I can try to drink more tomorrow and eat a bit less.
Feeling a bit flat today as well, mood wise. Guess its the feeling unwell and the shitty weather. Its been grey and cold and raining on and off. Plus the whole, I hate mondays thing also. Didn't really take my meds properly either on the weekend so that doesn't help things either. Forgot to take them. Not good really. Get so sick of taking pills. 1 valpro in the morning, 1 at night with 2 endep tablets. Plus I have been trying that inner health plus stuff to see if it helps with my gut problems. Hasn't seemed to so far. Going to try eliminating dairy to see if I am perhaps lactose intolerant now.
Thats really all I have to report on so far. Nothing else has really happened. Just played a lot of PS3 yesterday too. Loving the Modern Warfare 2, Call of Duty. And yes I am a girl that plays it. Lol a lot of guys don't seem to believe it when they find out a chick can play it. Haha and they hate it when I beat them! :)
Stay Safe.

~s~

My First Blog

Hi,

I have been thinking of creating a blog for about a week now and have finally actually done it. My blogs will be about me and my way of thinking. As best as I can describe it anyways. I don't aim to encourage anyone to do as I do, but I will support anyone that is like me. Yes I have a lot of issues which you will come to learn about. I have mental illness. I have drama's in my life. I can be unstable. Crazy. Out of control. I do things that even I don't know why I do it. I'm bizarre. Some of my good friends describe me as being unpredictable. Sometimes this isn't always a good thing.
For the last couple of hours I have been studying a pro ana blog. I have had anorexia before. Never got to the stage where I was hospitalised but I came very close. I have been put on medication for my crazy mind. 1000gm Epilim and Endep 10mg. It has caused me to put on 20kgs.I was ALWAYS one of the skinny ones. All my life. Until now. Now I am 80kg. I am being treated for long standing, deep depression, borderline personality disorder and bipolar. But now the weight gain has made me even more depressed. I have to do something about it. So I think I am going to go back to ana again. It has been a number of years since I last had ana as a friend. I am actually worried I won't be strong enough to stick to it. I am currently doing weight watchers, and have been going for about 8 weeks now and am at a loss of .9. 900 grams. That's all. I just can't do it properly. One week I lose 2kg, the next week I put it back on. It's pathetic really. So now I need to take action. Drastic action. I am going to start limiting for food intake at first. I guess there is no use rushing head first into it, otherwise I will only be setting myself up for failure. I am not going to tell my boyfriend, friends or family about my choice. Therefor I will remain anonymous for now with these blogs. Though I guess it wouldn't be hard for the people that really know me to figure out who I am. Perhaps I am crazy adding another mental disorder to my list. But I feel I need to. Otherwise I can feel myself slipping back into the darkness of the depression. Futher and further until soon I will be unreachable.
I am going to use this blog to chart my details, no its not going to be just a pro ana blog. It's a blog about me. My life. My mind. The way I think. The way I am. The choices I make. I will try to explain them as best as I can. So far its 1:54pm on a sunday arvo and I haven't ate a thing. Off to a good start I say. One of my best friends has made me some soups. She isn't aware of the decision I have made to befriend ana again, but she sure has made it a little easier for me. Meals are going to be soup to begin with. Slowly reducing my food intake day by day. I will try to keep it unnoticed for as long as I can. I am planning on using water and liquids to keep myself full as well as green tea to speed up my metabolism. I want to get down to 55kgs. At least. Maybe less. Seems so far away at the moment. I just hope I can remain strong enough to get there. Wish me luck. I need it.