Falling

Well I am still home, unwell from work. I probably could have went today, but mentally I was unable to. I just couldn't do it. Couldn't face work. I am slipping back into the darkness. The black dog is back. And I feel so ashamed. I feel like I am never going to win this battle. That I am going to be unwell and fucked up forever. I just feel I can't handle life at the moment. And I keep thinking about hurting myself. Thinking, is there enough pills in the house for me to OD on. Should I just slit my wrists? Watch the blood trickle and spurt out of my veins!? I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow night, but sometimes I feel like I can't always be honest with him. I feel like he will judge me. I guess he IS judging me. Judging how unwell or stable I may or may not be. Stupid as it sounds.
On a more positive note, my eating very little paid off at weight watchers last night. I lost 1.6kgs! Made me want to try harder now. Has motivated me! I know I need to eat just enough to keep my metabolism going though. If it slows down too much, then it will be harder for me to lose weight.
Also on a positive note, my dad just text me to say my i phone has arrived! It didn't come yesterday like they said, but that's all forgotten now that it has been delivered. So that will probably distract me, mucking around and learning how to use it. I hope I like it. It was such a compulsive, spur of the minute buy, based on my dream.
I went out for tea last night with some of my gf's I havent caught up with in a while and it was really weird, i felt shy and anxious at first. As if it was people I was meeting for the first time. I don't understand why I am feeling so anxious all the time. It's not a good thing though. I sent a text message to one of my good friends this morning trying to explain how I am feeling, and he said I should try to pretend to be happy because sometimes that can trick the brain into thinking that you really are happy. I doubt that would work in my case though. I don't think mental illness is that easy. I wish it was. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix myself, as well as all the unhappy people in the world.
I hate how people don't understand mental illness. It's amazing how many people just don't get it and how ignorant they really are. And they don't realise that some of the thing's they say really hurt. Even a girl at work, whom doesn't know I am bipolar, made a comment about the heater being bipolar because it kept going from hot to cold. That made me feel a little bit smaller. A bit more deflated.
I just feel tired. Fed up. Sick. Unmotivated. Over it.